Masochist

I saw a hundred faces, each one betrayed the last-

Each longing and hungry and wasted, and haunted by the past.

I tried to find a home for them, I tried to make them whole,

Yet they stung and never blessed, I gave it all each time they stole.

In darkness I'll cling to the pain and in it seek my peace,

It's daylight that speaks of terror and knows little of release.

Close to my heart I place the dagger, close to my heart it's safe,

The deeper the cut, the better I'll feel- here in my pain I wait.

But torn from the arms of my "succor"; bleeding, though finally alone,

No anger to guide me, no bitter can find me, no path, no way is shown.

Now naked and lonely I start anew, though wild the angry sea,

So naked I stand to greet the dawn- I'm naked, yes-

but I'm free!

Books...

This is something I wrote almost a year ago... I went to the bookstore right before a REALLY boring class, and this is what resulted...

Somehow the books make me quiet. And it's not merely silence, but just so still. Everything inside calms down and you forget who they tell you you are or even really that you're you. You just breathe. You just exist. You exist in a world full of beautiful, dark, rebellious, brave, truth-seeking minds. Yes- they are truth seekers. Above and beyond all the words and the pages and the punctuation, they eat and breathe and speak and walk the truth- they ache for it. Some never found it, but what they give as their offering is THEIR truth. And somehow, it in some way forms part of that great, great whole that is Truth. So, here I stand among the most beautiful, deep, dangerous minds ever to know consciousness- here I stand among years, centuries of experience, of pain, of life, of love, of good and bad- centuries of truth and folly- folly often loved as dearly and held more fiercely. Here I stand staring in the face the writings of thousands about the experience of millions, and feeling the awe of the few, the few sacred truths they followed on their path to Truth. And in a way too miraculous for human comprehension their truth knows my truth and in almost every way translates and melts into all I am, all I feel, all I love. Here I stand at the apex, in a station so glorious and at the same time so humiliatingly undeserved- would you dare me to speak, to add, to scoff? Or would you let me be, just for a few moments, be still...

Heart of Hearts....

I guess I would like to use my very first post to introduce the name of my blog- Heart of Hearts...

For any of you fine individuals out there who are unfamiliar with this term, I am here to enlighten you.  My dad always used it to refer to the innermost part of one's self- that part of you, unscathed and uncontaminated by any outside influence, that speaks absolute truth.  That part of you that hopes, believes, and dreams, despite all protestations and arguments to the contrary by those who can be called by no other name than "haters".  If you are one of these said "haters", I realize that I cannot expect you to have any idea what I'm talking about- you've killed your heart of hearts, and until you grow a new one, you will continue to be a "hater".  If you don't get help here, please- get help somewhere else.  All I'm saying is that you must listen to your heart of hearts above all else.  For example, I remember being twelve years old, and like any twelve year old gal in the 90's, I was MADLY, PASSIONATELY, and COMPLETELY devoted to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  I knew in my heart of hearts, that JTT and I would be wed for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake Temple.  Now, reason would have told me then, and now, over a decade later, this cannot and will not happen, but my heart of hearts tells me it's oh, so possible and likely to happen at any moment.  So really, all I'm sayin' is that there are plenty of "haters" out there willing to tell you what's in your heart of hearts, what should be there, or what's wrong with it, but all any one of us can do in this life is follow that innermost ray of hope that defies all odds and takes us to places we never thought we'd reach.  All you can do is follow your heart....

Incidentally... If any of you run into JTT, let him know I'd like a summer wedding...